So why the absence of Luke from the blogworld? To be perfectly honest I just haven't felt good enough to write anything positive. I know that when I started this blog and a couple of times since I've said that I would write whatever I was feeling so that other people who may be feeling the same thing wouldn't feel alone. But lately everything that I've been feeling has been such a bummer that I don't want to share it with everyone (who reads this) because I don't want to be that much of a bummer on your life. So this will be a true, but it might be a slightly more censored version of the truth than if you were to talk to me face to face. I don't know how else to get the thoughts out there than to just dive in, so forgive me if I'm all over the place and hard to follow.
- I don't know what I'm doing with my life or where I'm supposed to be. Any attempt I make at heading in a single direction leaves me feeling better for a while, but then I get back to "normal" soon. It's the same feeling I had when I broke up with the couple of girlfriends I have had in the past: I knew it needed to happen, but put it off for however long for whatever reason. I would try to come up with reasons why I didn't need to break it off, but in the end the only thing that made me feel better was doing the deed. And now I know that something needs to happen, I just don't know what that something is. So my mode of operation, right now, is to take as many stabs in the dark until I stab the right thing. I might need a better phrase here.
- I am doubting everything in my life right now for the first time. I don't know what I believe or, ironically, why I believe it. I want to believe what I've been told to but I can't transfer that want into reality right now. This could be because I lack concrete-ness in my life. Or it may be because, for the first time, I have the occasion to be whoever I actually am. A liquid takes the shape of the container that holds it, and right now I don't know what shape of container I'm in. I don't even know if I'm in any container at all. I could be poured all over the ground. I simply do not know. For the entriety of my live I have had the benifit of being around people that believe a certain way, who are thier own shape. And the sum of those shapes (or the inversion of those shapes surrounding me) were the shape of my life. Now I get to explore who I actually am without that. Funny that it would happen at twenty-four. I would have expected it earlier. But then, I've always been a bit of a slow-developer.
- I think one of my greatest fears is the lack of something to do. I was explaining this to Chris yesterday on the phone, and it goes a bit like this: I have a couple of tasks that I've needed to get done for a while now. And I have been putting them of for that while. It could be as simple as laziness on my part, but I like to over-think things so this is the "actual" reason that I came up with: if I don't do these things I'll always have something to do; I will never be without. I realize this is silly and not incredibly logical, but I fear what will happen the day I don't have anything to do. I'll probably watch more TV or play more video games I suppose.
- Speaking of that, I recently played the Uncharted series on PS3. Great. Not a ten out of ten, but still great. Mom was even getting into it, wondering what happened to Elena and Sully while I was wondering around as Nathan Drake shooting people whose heads were on fire. I then traded those in for the new Assassins Creed game, which is also solid. Very similar to the previous one, but still a lot of fun. This has been the video game review section of the post, thanks for reading.
- Saw J. Edgar with Neal. Watching Leonardo Dicaprio roll around on the floor with the Winklevoss twins was really weird. And I still don't really know what happened in the movie. Would have been better with robot boxing I bet.
luketlancaster@gmail.com
