back into the swing of things

I'm currently fifteen posts away from achieving my goal of writing in this blog "every week." I don't know for sure if that will happen, as lately I don't have either the motivation or the material for a new post. That isn't much different today, except I got a call from Chris (and a couple of tweets) the other day that boosted my motivation a bit. It was amazing to talk to someone my age who is feeling the same things that I'm feeling and is in a similar place that I am. Chris gave the metaphor that it's as if we are both in Latin American countries: miles apart, but in the midst of cultures that are speaking the same language. And that language isn't one that we speak. Great great point and one that really struck home with me. That conversation led me to feel a bit better about my circumstances, and also led to this post.

So why the absence of Luke from the blogworld? To be perfectly honest I just haven't felt good enough to write anything positive. I know that when I started this blog and a couple of times since I've said that I would write whatever I was feeling so that other people who may be feeling the same thing wouldn't feel alone. But lately everything that I've been feeling has been such a bummer that I don't want to share it with everyone (who reads this) because I don't want to be that much of a bummer on your life. So this will be a true, but it might be a slightly more censored version of the truth than if you were to talk to me face to face. I don't know how else to get the thoughts out there than to just dive in, so forgive me if I'm all over the place and hard to follow.

• I don't know what I'm doing with my life or where I'm supposed to be. Any attempt I make at heading in a single direction leaves me feeling better for a while, but then I get back to "normal" soon. It's the same feeling I had when I broke up with the couple of girlfriends I have had in the past: I knew it needed to happen, but put it off for however long for whatever reason. I would try to come up with reasons why I didn't need to break it off, but in the end the only thing that made me feel better was doing the deed. And now I know that something needs to happen, I just don't know what that something is. So my mode of operation, right now, is to take as many stabs in the dark until I stab the right thing. I might need a better phrase here.

• I am doubting everything in my life right now for the first time. I don't know what I believe or, ironically, why I believe it. I want to believe what I've been told to but I can't transfer that want into reality right now. This could be because I lack concrete-ness in my life. Or it may be because, for the first time, I have the occasion to be whoever I actually am. A liquid takes the shape of the container that holds it, and right now I don't know what shape of container I'm in. I don't even know if I'm in any container at all. I could be poured all over the ground. I simply do not know. For the entriety of my live I have had the benifit of being around people that believe a certain way, who are thier own shape. And the sum of those shapes (or the inversion of those shapes surrounding me) were the shape of my life. Now I get to explore who I actually am without that. Funny that it would happen at twenty-four. I would have expected it earlier. But then, I've always been a bit of a slow-developer.

• I think one of my greatest fears is the lack of something to do. I was explaining this to Chris yesterday on the phone, and it goes a bit like this: I have a couple of tasks that I've needed to get done for a while now. And I have been putting them of for that while. It could be as simple as laziness on my part, but I like to over-think things so this is the "actual" reason that I came up with: if I don't do these things I'll always have something to do; I will never be without. I realize this is silly and not incredibly logical, but I fear what will happen the day I don't have anything to do. I'll probably watch more TV or play more video games I suppose.

• Speaking of that, I recently played the Uncharted series on PS3. Great. Not a ten out of ten, but still great. Mom was even getting into it, wondering what happened to Elena and Sully while I was wondering around as Nathan Drake shooting people whose heads were on fire. I then traded those in for the new Assassins Creed game, which is also solid. Very similar to the previous one, but still a lot of fun. This has been the video game review section of the post, thanks for reading.

• Saw J. Edgar with Neal. Watching Leonardo Dicaprio roll around on the floor with the Winklevoss twins was really weird. And I still don't really know what happened in the movie. Would have been better with robot boxing I bet.

Luke
luketlancaster@gmail.com