Monday, March 21, 2011

"i don't think things are going to go back to the way they were"

If you can't quote yourself, who can you quote? Right?

After talking with Brian at work today I realized that I may have been a little dramatic at the end of my last post. I suppose I can blame it on lack of sleep and travel fatigue, though it also may have been exactly how I was feeling. I hope in this post to unpack the fallout of this roadtrip, and hopefully learn a little about what direction I need to be heading in.

This past week I spent the vast majority of my time with at least one other person. Usually I don't have the opportunity to be around people that much. I think that we learn as much about ourselves when we are forced to be with people as we do in any amount of reclusive introspection. And this is coming from a long-tenured reclusive introspect. Being around other people had the effect of helping me to understand my own personality more. Sometimes it's so easy to assume that you are one way or the other. But "iron sharpens iron," and being with other people helps uncover the stuff you're made of. After spending countless hours with Cara in a car/subway/bus/train and walking around too many cities to count, as well as being back in contact with some Brookwoods boys I have determined one thing. And I think that's so important that I'm gonna set it apart:

Good people are good to be around.

I know, deep. Wait for the second bombshell of knowledge:

Life is too short to spend it around:
     1. No-one.
     2. And people that don't fill you with life.

Just being in Boston for two days was enough to make me feel like my chest was going to burst with life. The feeling was similar to the one that a bright spring morning gives me. I didn't even feel like I needed to breathe, because the company of genuinely good people was enough to fuel me. 

I also learned a few things about me. I believe that I may have rushed into the graduate school decision. I was feeling trapped, and thought that I just needed to make a move. Not that it was the wrong thing to do since I learned much about myself by filling out those applications. So, from here on out, I am going to be researching schools to apply into for Ph. D. programs in Counseling Psychology, specifically within departments of education. On this trip I learned that the gift I have for deeply empathizing with people is a special one given by God - and thus it shouldn't be wasted. The purpose for doing this within education departments is because I think God has placed in my heart the desire for educational reform. I've seen too many students passed on through. It has to stop. Someone has to stand up, and I hope eventually to be counted among those who will.

The last thing I want to touch on is the fact that I am not alone in this existential mess of figuring out how to be a graduated single person. I was sure that I was going to be married after school and because of that I would have a purpose for working. I think that God has set aside this time for me to learn what it means for His will to be my purpose. It's true what Paul says, that it's easier for us single folk to follow Him with all of our hearts. It's just a shame that I haven't been doing that. Being able to sit and talk with Carson helped me understand this. I don't have any more answers than I did before this trip. But I do have the motivation to seek God, the desire for His will in my life, and the willingness to give up what I "want" in order for that will to be accomplished through me.

And if He wants to share me with someone through that journey, that's ok by me too.


P.S. Thank you for reading. It means so much to me that you would invest time in my thoughts. I appreciate the e-mails, texts, phone calls, and face-to-face affirmation. And if you ever need some of that yourself just drop me a line. I'll make you a cup of coffee (or tea) and we can be together.

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