Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"it's not you, it's me. strike that. it's not you, it's the other applicants more qualified than you."

About six to nine months ago my boss (Brian) asked me which job I saw myself stepping into more: Director of the after-school program for youth, or Manager/Roaster of Humphreys Street Coffee Company. And when I thought about it I couldn't see myself stepping into either of them. So I started taking stock in life and trying to figure it out. I came to the conclusion that I needed to apply to graduate school for Psychology. A Ph.D. would allow me to do research and teach, two things that I am very interested in. So I started taking the steps to apply to graduate school. I studied for the GRE, I sought letters of recommendation from former professes, and I paid the exorbitant fees that schools charge to merely apply. I got a ok grade on the GRE. Good enough for three schools that I was looking at: KU, Colorado State, and Syracuse.

This Saturday I received a letter from KU, and found that I wasn't what they were looking for.

As a person I'm not used to rejection. This is partly because I don't get rejected all that often, but mostly because I don't through myself out there enough to get rejected. I don't ask girls on dates, I don't make risky moves with my life, and I generally try to get along with everyone. But when applying to grad school you face certain rejection. The letter told me that I had a %5 chance on getting in. And the odds aren't all that straight, because I'm a white male. And my kind has reaped the benefits of oppressing people different than ourselves for ages. But that's another (more inflammatory) post. I honestly don't know how I am dealing with this new rejection. I'm not taking it personally...but I'm also not really thinking about it. And perhaps that's for the best.

What this rejection is forcing me to consider is my future. For the past two years I have "known" that I was going to grad school, then I was going to teach. But what if that's not what is in the cards for me? It means that the plans I have are no longer. It means that I need to re-evaluate not only those plans, but my life in general. I had a conversation with a friend from Kansas City (Mary Beth) last night talking about just this. And she brought up the very valid and extremely good point that it's a good thing that life hasn't turned out the way that we thought it would. So many options would be closed to me if life had gone "according to plan." I have bundles of opportunity wrapped up and waiting for me merely because I am a young single man. If I was a young married man, or a young married dad, those opportunities would have to be left alone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life has worked out so far. I'm gonna choose to believe that it will continue to do so. Even if it means my plans fall through and I have no clue what to do with my life. Or even who I am.

Sorry for the late post all of you who read, I'll try to be more timely in the future.


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